It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
