hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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