Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
