and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
