She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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