he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i've created a new STD.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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