then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
