Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
