How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
