sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
