i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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