Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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