I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
