I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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