90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
