Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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