i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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