You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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