I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
