i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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