Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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