Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Less talking, more tequila
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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