I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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