my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
