im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just sent this text using only my big toe
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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