i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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