Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
