Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
