Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
