shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We are two peas in an std pod
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
