You smell like stripper and shame
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
