If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
