I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
