She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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