____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
