sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
