On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
