just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
