i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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