I want to make a zoo with you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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