he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
