She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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