All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
