I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
