why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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