My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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