someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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