My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
pray to the hookup gods
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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