we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
