what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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